An NFL World Without Violence

Aug 23, 2013 -- 9:29am

The year is 2025. The Jaguars have just defeated the Bucs 120-103 in Super Bowl LIX.

Quarterback Blaine Gabbert, a 14-year NFL veteran, had a solid game, throwing for 15 touchdowns but only 893 yards. His QBR was only 98 because he ALMOST had a pass intercepted. Veteran safety Josh Evans led the Jaguars with an incredible THREE tackles.

In fact, long-time Jaguars Coach Gus Bradley credited his defense with the victory.

“Led by Josh’s great play, we showed the world a great defense today,” Bradley said in his postgame interview. “We proved you can still play great defense even with today’s rules.”

NFL lawmakers reportedly are already huddling to tweak the rules again to get more offense in the game. They are expected to adopt rules allowing defenders to use only one hand and shrinking the “strike zone” on offensive players to only within 3 inches of the belly button.

“Safety of our players is our No. 1 goal,” said Commissioner Beyonce Z.

Madame Commissioner went on to point out there had not been a concussion suffered by an NFL player since the 2013 season. She also noted that since preventing defensive players to strike above the shoulders and below the hips that shoulder, knee and ankle injuries had been reduced by a whopping 97 percent. For the record, ongoing research indicates that since rules adopted in 2016 to prevent contact by a moving defender, injuries of any kind have all but been eliminated.

Madame Commissioner, who continues to deny she is planning a comeback as an entertainer, also issued a statement saying she once again wanted to thank former commissioner Roger Goodell for starting the movement to make football safe for its players. Under Goodell’s watch the NFL repeatedly changed rules to turn football from a barbaric sport to a gentler, kinder sport that video-playing children could relate to. She pointed to a $21,000 fine levied by Goodell against Bears linebacker John Bostic because of a hit made by Bostic in a preseason game in 2013 as the turning point. Although sadistic critics screamed that the play was a basic football tackle, Goodell ruled that he had to make a bold statement because Bostic almost hit the offensive player in the head.

Goodell, now the CEO of the world’s No. 1 sports video game maker, “Catch Me If You Can, Inc.”, relayed his thanks in a short statement issued by the nursing home where he resides. “I appreciate Commissioner Beyonce Z for recognizing my vision.”

Finally, Commissioner Beyonce Z did admit she was somewhat concerned but not alarmed at the declining attendance and TV ratings for the NFL.

“Given time -- when all adults under 40 will only know a sports world without violent physical contact – the interest our great game will rebound and once again we will overtake soccer as the national pastime,” she said. “The brutally of soccer will be its ruination and spark the revival of the NFL.”

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