Imagine if you could slip a little truth serum into the coffee of the SEC coaches moments before they take the podium at the SEC Media Days.
Coach Saban, how are you going to replace all of the players you lost to the NFL?
Saban: “Duh. Because we’re friggin’ Alabama, for Pete’s sake. We got players lined up waiting to play for us. You know the difference between Alabygodbama and the NFL? The pay scale.”
Coach Muschamp, are the Gators going to be better offensively?
Muschamp: “Offense? What’s that?”
Coach Richt, what’s the one thing keeping Georgia from winning a ring?
Richt: “We got us a statboy in quarterback Aaron Murray. He piles up the yards against the patsies, but shrinks when the big boys come to town.”
Coach Spurrier, can Jadeveon Clowney do anything but rush the quarterback?
Spurrier: “I dunno. I’m afraid the ask him.”
Coach Sumlin, are you concerned about the off-the-field conduct of quarterback Johnny Manziel?
Sumlin: “Of course I am, stupid. He’s a kid out of control. If I can keep him sober and out of jail just five more months I’ll let some NFL team worry about him.”
Coach Malzahn, why will Auburn be better than last year’s 3-9 team?
Malzahn: “Because that idiot Gene Chizik won’t be coaching them. Remember, it was me coaching ‘em on offense in 2010 when we won the national title. Yeah, that fella Cam Newton helped out some, too.”
Coach Freeze, how did you manage to recruit so well at Ole Miss with that Old South stigma?
Freeze: “Well, there’s black and there’s white and then there’s green.”
Coach Miles, What’s the secret to winning in the SEC?
Miles: “You gotta keep ‘em out of jail and not do too much drug testing.”
Coach Franklin, explain how Vanderbilt managed to win nine games last year?
Franklin: “Because there is a God.”
Coach Pinkel, what will you do different your second year in the SEC?
Pinkel: “Send out a bunch of resumes looking for another job.”
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