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Johnny Manziel's Size 15's

Jul 01, 2013 -- 2:59pm

By: Justin Draughn (@justin_draughn)

Thumbing my way through copious amounts of junk mail - Chinese food menus, pizza vouchers, pleadings from organizations to help stop hunger, pleadings from organizations to help end obesity, and the distinguished magazine, “Office Supplies Monthly”. Buried within the garbage was a wonderful coupon, “15% off any pair of shoes” at a local sporting goods store. Great news, I need new running shoes.

 Browsing through aisles of shoes with various feature sets, I become slightly distracted and without thought started to review my Twitter feed. Not wanting to be inundated with mindless rants from celebrities I’ve adopted a pledge to only follow the world’s most influential people: The Dalai Lama, Mark Zuckerberg, Warren Buffet, and Johnny Manziel.

How ironic was it that “I” was searching for shoes when Johnny Football himself makes a proposition to his 300,000 followers to “walk a day in my shoes”. In an attempt to capitalize on the offer, I immediately reply “I wear a size 12…maybe we could work something out?”

He’s still thinking it over.

For all his on-the-field prowess, Manziel has a lot to learn about off-the-field social decorum namely, don’t complain about a lifestyle two thirds of the male population would do unspeakable acts not even allowable on Russian websites just for an opportunity to spend a day in your “shoes”. The last time I checked, complaining about popularity was exclusively reserved for PBR toting hipsters who discovered a trend or artist “way before they were popular” and indie bands whose catchy pop tune was discovered by a Universal Studios editor and included in the soundtrack of “Fast and Furious 14:  Left Lane, Blinker On”.

There is little doubt that Manziel will be drafted into the National Football League and like an exotic dancer “working her way through college” will be showered with money, praise, and affection. Even with the financial security the NFL ride has to offer Johnny Football, the opportunity to be the most recognizable, desirable, 20-year-old on a college campus will never exist again…ever. Despite the best attempts by the scientific community, the time machine has yet to be invented – we’re stuck on “play” until we reach the end of the tape. Enjoy the ride, seriously; if wasn’t for Manziel’s ability to carve defenses like a butcher, his best chance at stardom would be as the “before” guy in the “Proactive Acne Defense” commercials.

 As a guy who’s a little over nine years Manziel’s senior, I have to ask “is your college experience so bad that you can’t wait to leave campus?” The highlight of my four year journey through some of the finest junior colleges around was the day Taco Bell won the food service contract over some ridiculous organic food outfit – that’s right, $.99 cent double-decker tacos between English Literature and “Fictional Geography – Landscapes of Tatooine”. I can’t even imagine the benefits, and friends with benefits for that matter Manziel is pummeled with on a daily basis.

 hear your pleas, and my heart goes out to you, so let’s make an arrangement, one day as big man on campus, in exchange for the glamorized life of ad copy writer, what do you say? You’ll receive the obscurity you crave and I’ll no longer have to live vicariously through Google images searches of “Girls pictured with Johnny Manziel”.

Perk up Johnny – at the rate you’re popping off less than ingratiating twitter posts, you’d be better off shutting down the feed and hiring Charlie Sheen as your publicist. Winning!  

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